Heterosexual Couple Waited 6 Years For Full Marriage Equality

hi so Roxy and Jordan Davis you guys are are capturing a lot of people's fascination right now and what I'm you know as I told you my I found out that you did you you guys are the straight couple and there maybe there's others but you guys there was an article about you you're a straight couple who waited six years to get married because not everyone had the right to marry and you wanted to wait for that and I found out about this because you're my cousin and then and your dad my uncle sent a little email to the family about this newspaper article and I was like I was so proud and I'm a straight man and I was so proud that someone in my family kind of took that stance six years and wait and did not and I was like my family is badass and I won't ask you what kind of start with this question like I'm a straight man I'm not even I'm not gay so you know marriage wasn't affected for me one way or the other for me directly why do you think what you did is captured so many people's fascination well I mean it seems like this right now is a big moment and I feel like I feel like people care about other people and that we have the capacity to care about issues that don't affect us directly and this seems like I mean for most people that I know you know of course we value our relationships and we you know it doesn't make any sense to discriminate against other people for having different kinds they're not even different kinds of relationships with their having relationships with people of the same gender instead of opposite genders that it doesn't I feel like a lot of people just recognize how insane that is to discriminate against against gay or lesbian relationships and so this is I don't know it's it's it's a victory for for everyone but I mean of course it affects the gay community the most but for anyone who cares about other people's happiness it seems like a horse this is something we can all celebrate well well totally but you guys took it a step further that like I think a lot of people didn't even have the imagination for like I won't get married until everyone can be married I mean that's that's what really impressed me about it and so I mean take us back six years right six years why why did you decide this why was that important for you six years ago yeah well it took us a minute to remember why we you know made that decision at that time but you know we're thinking back okay six years that would have been i remember it was april so it would have been April of 2009 which was only a few months after prop 8 past yeah and you know we were both living in California when prop 8 past and were completely devastated by that result I know a good what that not a constitutional referendum that changed the California Constitution to make define marriage as between one man and one woman so what had happened was the legislature had me tried to define marriage this way and then the California courts smacked it down and said no that's unconstitutional and then they said well we'll change the constitution then and they went in and they did just that and that was what profit where it was it was changing the Constitution to keep gay people from getting married right and I remember lots of celebrities coming out doing videos funny things all kinds of stuff and like I was sure California Yeah Yeah right yes bleep stagnation yeah it was such a shock to me I never thought I mean it's just it's unthinkable to me that I don't even understand the discrimination so just the fact that the majority of voters voted in favor of banning gay marriage I mean not just banning it but amending the Constitution specifically to say oh this used to be unconstitutional normal now we're making an exception so that we have to make it OK by the Constitution it was insane to us so I was completely devastated when I heard that we're all together at the we were yeah we were together at the time I was just really really upset about that so i think it was still fresh for us when we got engaged and you know when we were talking about getting married it just seemed like it would be hypocritical of us to go ahead and participate in this when it was you know was this this horrible injustice that it just happened it felt like we would have been complicit in it by just carrying on our business as usual as though nothing had happened I think that's the right word is we didn't want to feel complicit in this injustice and by participating in an unjust system gives me chills guys I just want to tell you like that's so powerful I never really thought about it I don't want to interrupt you but I just want you to know how deeply affected I am by you guys owning that that's so powerful it just it felt hypocritical to say man it really sucks that you don't have this thing and that you can't have that thing well good luck with that we're gonna go enjoy our thing like it felt like we didn't we didn't want to do that and we didn't we felt like it would be hypocritical to say one thing and then go into another yeah totally I mean you guys are like my heroes no seriously because you know i mean you know i've written articles about racism and i'm a white man and and and there there there i believe i experienced there are benefits that i have to being a white man that that that black people don't get for example you know they it's just not as easy for them in some ways and not that i don't have my own challenges and so but like what you guys did taking a stand like if we all took a stand for the injustice as we see in the world and say i am not going to participate in the social benefit of that injustice until it's corrected for all I mean wow yeah well I mean and you the thing about it is we still we still were participating in the social benefit that we had I mean we felt it felt to us like this was the very least that we could do but we still had heterosexual privilege you know we were still this you know man and a woman who are together and we had the respect that people would give to relationships like that that they wouldn't give to same sex relationships and that is that's the injustice you know it's not just about this the legal definition of marriage or the legal status it's about the fact that same-sex marriages and same-sex relationships were thought of as less legitimate then then opposite sex relationships and we were trying to take a stand in our own little way and take on at least what small amount of burden we could to stand in solidarity even though it was still easier for us than it would have been for same-sex couple yeah Jordan that that's a great segue because something that Jordan you had said in the news article that i have my uncle sent us all was uh you said we really got a first-hand look at how domestic partnership is not the same as marriage and I was really fascinated like what did you mean by that um well one of the big things you heard in this debate was that well we don't need gay marriage because domestic partnerships are things civil unions are a thing uh gay people can go just go do that and they can leave our marriage alone because they're they're they're good enough they're separate but equal um but we really got to experience what uh what a civil union is like and again a cell Union you got one yes your domestic registered domestic partnership matter so um California actually doesn't give domestic partnerships to straight couples if they're under the age of 65 65 so when we were living in Nevada we we did get 11 though just get some kind of label on our relationship and get some kind of benefits from it and see what that was like um and it is it's very different um both in small practical ways like taxes and health insurance and in smaller more subtle ways like the way like going into things and not knowing what your status is not knowing whether the law will nize your relationship or not and feeling your status change it art status changed like three times with different court rulings and wealth and when we moved from place to place and we had to get a new sense for what our status was every time wow wow that's interesting so you were kind of like in this legal legal limbo land yeah I've shifted like shifting sands it was never quite a solid foundation for you as a couple yeah yeah and I mean again this is just a tiny sliver of what it would be like to you know to be a same-sex couple and to have this be your only option yeah you know we we had all of the benefits of heterosexual privilege just in the way that people regarded our relationship and we always had the option of marriage there for us on the table if something really drastic happened and all of a sudden oh we really need to share health insurance benefits or whatever that's we always had that we you know we've never gotten to a point where we needed it but that was still always there and sing some same-sex couples don't have that you know so I don't I don't want to make it sound like we feel like oh we've really suffered it's just we got a tiny glimpse into you know just what it's actually like to live with that kind of separate but equal sort of legal status wow that's powerful I get that like there was always an out it's not available a psychological out in the way here did you did you have people telling you were crazy or like why are you doing this or it's ridiculous or um no we didn't really get that I think probably the biggest opponent of this was probably my mom actually she really we had a ceremony a very nice ceremony in Santa arboretum at UC Santa Cruz um does we call it a commitment ceremony because it was not associated with the change in legal status we did get our registered domestic partnership some time after that but mostly we were just is an informal kind of commitment ceremony and for Roxy and I that that was it that was a you know our public statement that we were partners through through this but for my mom it was never marriage until it was marriage and so we did get from her you know you need to go get married in a church when are you gonna get married are you gonna go get married but I don't think we haven't had anyone like tell us oh well that's dumb i don't know why you're doing that people about it must be really supportive and they said you know that's really cool you want to do that and you know gay people that we met you know we got a few very heartfelt thank you it seemed like it really meant a lot to some people which before you got married physically yeah when we would tell them that they would just say like oh yeah thank you thank you so much for that you know he did seem like it it touched them which was which was really nice I you know we want people to feel supported we were doing this in solidarity so the fact that at least a few people were touched by that was very cool I actually got I got to be a minister for a for a gay marriage in California I don't know maybe a year ago for 22 and two friends of mine and it was like it was like what an honor for me it was like I feel like I was being an activist you know in the world kind of in the face of the insanity of this in equal right so that's me I was really proud of that right of that moment but even in that time i still even for me against straight man it's not a huge issue in my world I was hard for me to envision a day when when ya all 50 states were you know we're just gay marriage wouldn't it just won't even be a thing a kind of thing anymore just be like yeah you can get married if you want to get married and so I didn't even know the Supreme Court was looking at this decision and then all of a sudden I wake up one morning you know a couple days ago a week ago whatever and all the all states you can marry everywhere gay people get was like what how did you all feel when that did you know first what the Supreme Court was doing this and how about yeah we knew about it we we knew it was coming we had talked about it a few days before because I'd been kind of keeping up I remember when they were hearing arguments and I've been keeping up yeah and I was keeping up and saying that they were probably going to be releasing the decision last week so we were expecting it and we a little conversation about leg Oh are we gonna get married that day I don't know and I had a lot of stuff going on this week and I was like I don't know if I'm gonna be able have time and so we kind of thought maybe not but then that morning Friday morning when I saw the news i remember i was looking at my twitter feed and i realized at about six-thirty oh my god that's Supreme Court what did you say what did you think they were gonna do i wasn't sure i was hopeful that they would legalize same-sex marriage I was hopeful hopeful um but not but I've been burned before I remember how I felt after prop eight so I was not ready to fully commit to it happening yes but i remember at about six-thirty that morning I knew that the Supreme Court Court was going to be releasing their decisions for that day and I was following this little like live tweeting live blogging of the Supreme Court and at 7am I remember seeing the little words come across the screen saying you know first up same-sex marriage and I was like oh my god Wow ok and then it said Kennedy's reading the verdict I'm letting up vertically said Kennedy is reading the decision I'm like oh my god I remember I sitting there holding my breath literally like this like he can't believe it's happening right now Kennedy was reading that reading it you knew that it was that's what I was no point at that point I was still holding my breath we still love gay men you still love drama yeah it was a traumatic moment for me at least and then when it said you know that same-sex marriage was legal the next little tweet I just started crying I was just crying and crying I'm so happy Jordan is asleep next to me in bed not like on my phone like crying reading this and I in that moment I knew I was like we have to do it today like I need to celebrate this I can't just go about my day like this nothin like we need to mark this occasion yeah so welcome up and I was like let's get married today and he's like yeah okay so it was you know I know you were happy about that yeah cuz it was a it was nice that we could participate in the day and then celebration not our little way yeah blogs just crashing into things you can I feel like that is really distracting I'm so you guys you you you you knew where you were going you went to the courthouse she brought you got to where to get the flags the rainbow flags there's a flag store a couple blocks away actually so we went to the flag store and got rainbow flags was actually kind of an interesting place it's very apolitical they have like uh don't tread on me flags with guns on them right next to the rainbow flags he signs on them what was so it's so interesting that the Confederate flag is coming down and the rainbow flag is we're going up but it's securely but the American flag is still there that's the one that that endures throughout all of these changes and it's such a beautiful thing our country is a great experiment and I feel like we just created a successful like we just had a birthing of success like love just opened up a little bit more yeah a lot of things went right last week it's pretty pretty cool I definitely get what you're saying about that I felt like even going through the day that day and over the weekend I was like I'm a little bit more proud to be like an American citizen today and like just breathing the air it feels like better air and being in America is a like there's a little bit less of me that's like it let's move to Canada like that voice is a little quieter and me we after this decision right I get that man so well I I'm just so proud of you guys and again you know there's a part of me look we're all heterosexual here and it's sort of there's a little bit of a like almost like a self-congratulatory aspect of this to that I feel and really the reason we're even having this conversation and what you did is because there was a massive population in our country that's still just yes they have the right to marry but they're still going to face the stigma of society right parents and the family the community that still don't quite approve Oh totally I mean this is this is a victory this is a big deal but it doesn't mean discrimination is over or that our work is done you know we still have to work and be allies as much as we possibly can you know because this is still going to be an ongoing issue that is you know not like you know the racism didn't die when barack obama got elected right and it's in the same way they're still discrimination right yeah there's a lot of work that needs to be done still well you guys are I'm so like I just you're my family and I'm like wow with my family I was like you guys you guys have made me very proud thank you so I'm just thank you so much for the stand that you took for free quality for love for a bigger vision for our country in the world and and it was a small gesture but at the same time it's just like I just can't tell you how how it's affected me right so I just really honor you guys and that it really means a lot I'm just glad that our little story our little experiences resonated with so many hands getting very very cool and we're happy again just to be able to participate in this movement in what little way that we can ya know it's been weird getting so much attention about it I mean the way that we saw this going on Fridays we were just like okay we're gonna get our little rainbow flags and we're going to go and celebrate with people and that's gonna be it and then we ended up on the news and it ended up like all these people heard about us and it's like we're getting all these congratulations and like people being like oh you're so awesome and I feel like I don't know deserve that but I'm great I feel it's great that you are excited about it it makes me happy but but yeah we never expected it well I mean I told you I'm a-okay social media presence and you guys became I get great engagement like people are envious about the engagement again on social media and you guys I posted that article about you you guys became my most popular facebook post ever it's really surprising we're not so honored but I'm so I couldn't it's like I'm so grateful to also thank you all so much for for this and in I hope that this conversation was interesting for folks out there and Roxy and Jordan I love you both and and thank you again yeah thank you so much

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